Brain Sponge!

I'm continuing to feel incredibly well. My final hurdles are the deepest level of healing which is brain /emotional. I'm finding that EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) is really helping me a lot along with the recent addition of Bach Flower Essences. A great beginner's book is Bach Flower Essences, Step By Step by Judy Howard. It gives a nice overview of the remedies. Right now I'm taking Olive, Impatiens and Vine although I'm not sure Vine is correct for me or not. I'm giving my rigid and demanding daughter Vine as well. I've prescribed a couple for my husband too although I can't yet find one of them in the stores.

This morning I felt an emotional block dissolving for lack of a better description. My usual morning of unending scripted play (scripted play is typical for high functioning autism) with my daughter including her quizzing me on the colors of her toy cars... led to a very intense swelling of distress on my part. I went to my room so as not to upset my daughter and performed EFT while the emotion just poured out of me. I had no idea my daughter's remaining symptoms still distressed me so deeply. I've noticed that the repetitive requests for this boring and unimaginative "play" has really been agitating me more than usual lately and I know that I've felt guilty about it.

As is typical with deep emotion, my "onion" started with sadness and as I tapped melted into anger, and then fear and a strong core of guilt. (I find fear is the basis for so much negative emotions and I wonder if it's usually near the base for all of them?) I don't feel I fully completed the process but I felt a need for a break from the intensity of the emotion. I will probably do more tapping later today. Just writing this is bringing up intense physical sensations and tension so it's quite raw right now.

I do already feel cleansed and more directed in my quest for healing for my daughter as a result of this breakthrough. I've been finding it very difficult to help her as I've helped myself with homeopathy and until today I really wasn't sure why. But now I understand that my pain and guilt over her difficulties has been getting in the way of me seeing her entire picture in order to prescribe homeopathy for her. I need to see clearly her behaviors and emotions and that is still very painful for me! Seeing reality is very difficult especially when you're trying to focus on the positive... it's a delicate balance between being optimistic, positive and visualizing healing and also seeing what's there in the present moment. I hope this makes some sense!

I see now that I need to heal my emotional pain surrounding her struggle in order to help her heal. It's the old "help yourself or you're useless to those who need you" situation...

Getting a Good Night's Sleep...

Or maybe just getting some sleep? A few months ago I was struck with some pretty nasty insomnia. I'd collapse fall asleep at night just fine but then at around 3am my eyes would pop open and I'd be wide awake. It is so hard not to be so angry when your Hubby is sound asleep next to you, you're exhausted and there is nothing at all to watch on tv. You're too tired to do anything really productive like clean or write a blog entry so you're stuck sitting on the couch staring at the curtains that probably need to be washed.

I tried several sleep remedies starting with Melatonin which I've used with success in the past. Didn't help me this time. I've used Coffeea cruda homeopathic remedy in the past but it stopped helping me after a while (wasn't the truly correct remedy for my complete issue this usually means.) So, I went straight for the big guns. I asked the doc for help and got a prescription for Lunesta and waited for that neon butterfly to visit me. I warned Hubby not to be afraid if a giant lit up moth flew around our room at night...

Well, the Lunesta didn't help me but gave me some nice headaches! So it wasn't completely useless.

Doc gave me a prescription for Sonata to take when I woke up in the middle of the night. Well, let's just say that taking an ambulance ride at 3:30am to the ER due to violent side effects is less fun than a day trip to the ER.

After the Sonata experience I was reluctant to try the new drug on the block, Lyrica. This is supposed to help with seizures and chronic nerve pain but Doc said it apparently also induces some nice, deep sleep. It didn't take me long to scan the Internet and find a lot of negative experiences with this bad boy. I didn't even take one pill of it. Wasn't worth it.

So, what was left? I should clarify what issues I'm dealing with that I think are affecting my quality of sleep. I have annoying anxiety and depression symptoms. This was taken care of by a small dose of Klonopin at bedtime and a small dose of Prozac in the morning. The Klonopin works great, but you have to accept some sluggishness in the morning even at a very low dose. If you reduce the dose so you're not sluggish in the morning, you're anxious... Can't really win there. Then there is the basic insomnia that started on top of what I already had.

So, while I was browsing the local health food store that I had found in our new hometown, I spotted some mood herb supplements (containing those wonder substances 5HTP and GABA) and also a homeopathic remedy for "Sleeplessness / Restless Sleep" made by Boiron called Quietude. I wondered if it just had the classic Coffeea remedy in it but it has a few totally different ones so I got a little optimistic! And, since it's homeopathic, I don't have to worry that I'll end up fatter, sicker or deader.

The first night I took the Quietude, I slept. Of course, M woke me in the middle of the night but I was sleepy and grumpy and tired like normal people are when they are awoken at night. Then I quickly went back to sleep!

I've also started Mood Sync made by Pain & Stress Center Products and stopped my low dose Klonopin and Prozac. I had a couple of slightly moody days that barely rivaled my former PMS days and now I'm feeling pretty darn good and without the drugs. (P.S. I was taking below normal or very low doses of these meds... do not just stop meds without talking to your Doc first! Weaning off is normally necessary!)

I will post about how this continues to go. So far, I met up with a friend of mine and she remarked at how "rested" I looked without knowing what had been going on.

Now, if I can only keep my daughter in bed until 6am...

Dealing with Sick Mommy Guilt

Typical Mommys feel enough guilt but when you add in the inevitable flare/crash/emergency the guilt can come on full force. It's so hard on those days when your kiddies ask you to play and you have to say no and just be the lounging bystander. Of course, unless you make a big deal about this your child will probably not care much at all but that doesn't keep us SMs from beating ourselves up.

The drive to be Super Mommy doesn't disappear completely when you're a Sick Mommy. I think the key is to have some sedentary activities (or at least indoor ones) that your kiddie can do while you sit or lie down to rest. Have the supplies ready and remember to keep clean up in mind. You don't want to do fingerpainting if the clean up is going to involve a mop and a hose...

Here is a list of come indoor activities from Essortment.

Keeping up with the mess

Many Sick Mommys stay at home with the kids and also end up taking care of the housekeeping for the most part. I'm one such Mommy. I tend to like things neat and free of clutter. My husband doesn't care either way but tries to be good about his messes.

I don't know where I first came across it, but I've been using the Flylady program to help me organize my life and home. I'm not great at it yet but it has really helped me get organized especially since we moved last month into a smaller space. That is the ultimate de-clutter detox program. Move from a house with a garage and a shed to a two bedroom apartment!

After the relapse from the physical and emotional stress of moving started to ease up, I was able to start organizing and cleaning. I'm still working on my Flylady Control Journal to figure out what I need to do every week or everyday.

The Flylady program is great for Sick Mommys because it stresses "babysteps" and not allowing your perfectionism paralyze you. Many Sick Mommys lose confidence because they can't do as much as other Moms. With Flylady, you don't have to feel guilty if you have a really bad day and can't do anything. If you are sticking with the program, your house will be so clean and organized that a day here and there of neglect is no big deal and, in my experience, a whole week of neglect is actually quickly remedied. In the past, if I was laid out and had to leave Hubby to the housekeeping, well, let's just say there wasn't much housekeeping going on and the house went from the usual mess to a disaster really fast. Our daughter is a tornado and can destroy a house in a day!

The best part of Flylady is the way it makes sure to add various ways to take care of yourself in the 'routines.' Many Sick Mommys just don't have the energy or time to do what has to be done let alone pamper ourselves. We already feel guilty for being sick and unable to do all the things we think we should be able to do. Flylady is less about a clean home than a peaceful mind and a loving attitude toward yourself.

I will continue to Fly! Now, I have some clutter to purge from my home!

Medical Emergency Survival Kit

This is a kit that every Sick Mommy should have ready if they find themselves needing to go to the Emergency Room at times due to their Life Difficulty.

A large tote bag is ideal because you can open it and see pretty much everything. In the bag you will need:

1. List of current medications with dosages. (Always keep one in your wallet too!) Make sure you keep the list updated if your meds or doses change.
   
2. Phone numbers and info of current Doctors and Specialists.
3. Photocopy of the front and back of your medical insurance card.
4. Cash for vending machines and pay phones (dollar bills and change). Remember, no mobile phone use inside the ER.
   
5. Snacks for the kiddies and spouse. There is nothing worse than a whiney spouse when you're already feeling crappy.
   
6. Toys for the kiddies... I like the WaterWow books. You paint and repaint with water in the books. Pretty easy to get water to fill the little pens. For the older kids, the little handheld games some stores sell cheap would be good to have. These should be kept in the bag and only used during this time so they are new and interesting!
7. Diapers/wipes and change of clothes for the younger kiddies.
   
8. Phone numbers of local family members or babysitter for the kids. This is in case you are admitted and you need someone to stay with the kids while you and spouse get settled in at the hospital.

Hopefully, this Survival kit will help you keep sane during your trip to the ER. I know it has helped my daughter stay busy and helped us make it through a few ER trips without more hassle than it already is! During the last one, the nurse actually commented on how prepared my husband was with the big tote bag and how happy our daughter was considering the situation.

I hope today is a good day!

What's a Mommy to do?

Motherhood is a challenge for any woman. Add any impairment that interferes with life and things can get really difficult. I, myself, live with Chronic Lyme Disease and the symptoms that continues to annoy me with. It gets in the way of things I need to do and things I want to do. It really doesn't matter what chronic impairment a Mom might have... be it chronic migraines or Depression or Multiple Sclerosis. Anything that saps energy from our mothering is a difficult hurdle.

Sometimes I'm just feeling too sick to play a fifth round of "baby animals" with my 3 year old daughter. Sometimes I can't bring my daughter to the playground. Meeting up for playdates with other Moms is sometimes a rare treat particularly right now because my brain has decided that I no longer need sleep after 3:30am in the morning. I'm pretty good at driving half asleep but I don't recommend it and I just don't do it anymore. Being the Mom I want to be or even half the Mom I want to be is more often a challenge than not.

This blog hopefully will have resources for us Sick Mommys. I know you are out there. It will also have understanding and some humor because I definitely know what you're going through sister!

My first suggestion is a support site named Daily Strength. It's a social network site for people looking for support for their particular Life Difficulty as I will call it. We all have them... some are more interference than others.

I hope today is a good day for you.